VATSIM ATC Humor

[Reece Hunter]

Here's my transcript with two good UPS pilots at OAK earlier this evening:

UPS#1: Departure, ready to taxi.
Me: UPS#1, winds xxx, OAK alt yyy, taxi to runway 29er via Whiskey Bravo.

A couple of seconds later....

UPS#2: Ready to taxi sir.
Me: UPS#2, winds xxx, OAK alt yyy, taxi to runway 29er follow company traffic.

After looking up UPS#1 type...

Me: UPS#2, company traffic is a DC8
UPS#2: Yeah, he just told me I just backed into his plane!
Me (after long pause): UPS#2, does that mean he is a DC7 now?

UPS#1: lmao
UPS#2: lol


I would love to hear some of yours guys :-)

[Alex Bower]

All my future posts will only be exactly these sort of transcripts.

Of course, after getting clearance from VATUSA5, so as to protect the inept.......sorry, the innocent.

AB

[ZOA.Rich]

Back in my Chicago days:

Scenario - Rich is working CHI_V_CTR and amazingly there is no Approach or Tower position open. I remember it being stormy - altimeter 29.76 and visibility less than 1/4 mile and raining like a banshee with a large group of thunderstorms to the west and converging:

UAL1018: Sir, we're pushed and ready to taxi.
Me: 1018- altimeter 29.76, visibility is 1/4 mile - taxi straight ahead on the ramp then left on Bravo then hold short RWY 32L at T10.

UAL1018: Roger - we're in the soup tonight. We'll taxi the terminal ramp to Bravo - left on Bravo and h/s RWY 32L at Tango 10.

15 minutes pass...

Me: UAL1018, did I miss your "holding short, ready for departure"?
UAL1018: Negative sir, we're still taxiing on Bravo.

(At this point, I'm wondering exactly where he taxi'd - I zoom down on O'Hare - no airplanes on the ground. - I zoom out a bit - and much to my amazement - I find UAL1018 taxiing on a heading of 140 - about 3 or 4 miles south of the runway.)

Me: UAL1018 - can you confirm that you're on taxiway Bravo?
UAL1018: Well, I seem to be on a taxiway - but I was wondering if I was really seeing homes and buildings to my left or if they were airport facilities? I didn't really want to ask.

Me: UAL1018 - sir, you're about 4 miles past the runway and most likely on a road. For fear that you might hit something, I'd recommend having FS re-place your aircraft at the gate or at the end of 32L.


Now, I don't know how on earth he hit things just right to end up on a road - but that was hilarious!

~Rich

[feathers]

I don't have any communications humor (not yet) although I suppose Max playing his guitar to me over the G/G Intercom last night is pretty silly. It was a test! Honest! ^_^

However, there are always things you see on VATSIM that would never work in real life. Like last night, had a Delta flight on the west side of the SFO terminal. Winds were calm and he was headed to... Cleaveland? Somewhere off to the east, and he was on CUIT2 transitioning at Manteca. I figured I'd be different and told him to expect 1L. He said he was not expecting that and confirmed he'd call ready to taxi. I figured, why not... I guess from the west side of the terminals, it's about the same to take Alpha to Foxtrot to the 28s, or go all the way around Alpha to the 1s (and it really doesn't make much of a difference on the CUIT2), but I figured I'd go with the 1s just to mix things up.

Well, comes time to taxi and I tell him taxi to 1L via Alpha and Mike. He confirms and starts rolling. I got distracted by something, but then I look up and he's taxiing _south_. I figure he's just a little lost, looking for Alpha and that at any moment he'll swing around north.

Uh huh.

He taxied _though_ the airport (and/or the parking structure) to the south and popped up there at the hold short for 1L. I was tempted to say something like 'it appears you're taxiing through the airport?' but I held my tongue. Maybe he's lacking scenery... but the main terminal building?

Anyway, shortcuts through the terminals, or guys taxing into the gate area (literally) always amuse me to no end.

James

[feathers]

Actually, I do have some now, as of tonight. My friend Keith showed up to do some pattern work, then decided he wanted to do some faster pattern work... in an SR-71. And since all my 'real' traffic was on the ground, I let him do it. He did a few passes, then asked to do a high-speed, low altitude flyby.

His first pass, I didn't think to snap pictures. But he went roaring past the airport at 990 knots, then proceeded to dump all the groundspeed and gain 40,000 feet in about 20 seconds. He went around for another pass, which I got a picture of...

http://home.pe.net/~trietsch/graphic/oak_sr71_2.gif

Yes, that's quite a groundspeed he's got there. He wasn't satisfied with that pass, so I vectored him around in a huge, 40-mile pattern (he was maintaining that speed) and he lined up for another pass. Meanwhile, I'm joking about 'so much for noise abatement tonight, eh?'

He's just about over the airport and I see his groundspeed fall off really drastically (like, from 2500 knots to 1600 knots in one update) and over the radio, I hear the funniest thing of the night:

'Oh Lord, it just ran out of fuel!'

I'm busting a gut as he declares an emergency and tries to turn around and make a landing on 11. I confirm 'Emergency landing runway 11, winds calm' and he shoots back, 'Unlike the pilot!'

But after a half-minute, he says, 'Well, I guess that's about it' and I say 'You bailin' out?' and as the datatag displays '000 00', he says, 'Yeah... I'm swimming in the bay right now.'

So we both called it a night.

James

[Alex Bower]

I just realized that my funniest recollections of A/C-ATC interaction that is legitimate, and not just newbie "same-ohhh, same-ohhh", was when I was PIC, back in the SATCO days. A time when all ATC was generally competent, no matter what country you were in.

Fortunately, I can't recall any authentic transcripts, and I categorically deny any that VATUSA5/6, or whatever Ian's called these days, may produce. Or any that Robert Dofflemyer might dredge up.

Just covering my ass, heeee heeeeeeeeeee.

AB